I give you permission to be dismissive.

Matter of fact, I’ll be entirely submissive.

Offer no opinions,

just reassurance that you’re right!

My hands are tied behind my back.

I’ll no longer throw a fight.

And when I’m at my lowest,

sinking down beneath the floor,

I ask God to come and save me,

but he gives me something more.

Let me tell you about the sad life of a sad addict.

She still seeks it, even when she has it.

And when she’s had it, she wishes that she hadn’t.

But when the sun rises, she’s right back at it.

Can I bottle up this stress?

Place it in a bottle and seal it tight?

Can I drop it into the depths of the ocean

and have it gone overnight?

Unload my burdens and my heartache,

and watch as we part ways?

I’m in need of some vacancy.

My mind has been too full lately.

My trauma hasn’t paid a dime.

He’s committing theft, amongst other crimes.

I’ve been my own wolf in this fairy tale.

I knocked every house down.

I pointed fingers and forgot my own.

Think smarter not harder, they say.

Well, I cut far too many corners that way.

Why do you come back to me?

There’s a clear lack of consistency.

I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt…

just to get caught in the drought.

Here I am, always waiting for the rain…

knowing I have it all to lose, and nothing to gain.

Missing you is never easy.

Wishing now that you’d free me…

I’m sorry for the way you forgot your worth.

I’m sorry for all the pain I wouldn’t cure.

I’m sorry I always told you “it could be worse.”

And I’m sorry that you’ll never say these words.

Know me? You know “of” not the “because.”

And that right there was the death of us.

See you soon? No, see you never.

You dumbed me down, surprise bitch, I’m clever.

Here I am remembering Marley, as I channel my inner Swift.

No woman, no cry, as I continue to write down my relationship bullshit. 

Penny for your thoughts, but a dollar for mine. 

Yes, it’s your loss. Better luck next time. 

Men came my way, and yet, I turned them all away.

It seemed you’d had as many empty conversations as I had.

There we were, both drowning in bottles of false flattery.

The more I saw you, the more I saw my reflection.

Every mistake, every trauma, every imperfection.

I became nervous and afraid,

with no one but myself to blame.

If I had to name your colors,

I’d go with sage, navy, and maroon.

Peaceful, moving, and loving,

Exactly how I’d describe you.

Lust or love? I’m asking you this.

You can be honest with me, I will not shy away.

I think I deserve to know,

but I’m afraid you will tell me another lie.

I’ve been told I’m hot, just to fuck.

I’ve been told I’m needed, just to be turned away.

Either way you manipulate the words, it’s saddening.

Now, I’m broken.

He had just left me; broke my heart amongst other things.
Vulnerable and a fool, I thought I’d lost my king.
Then came a knight, armed for battle; his sword took a swing.
He vowed to protect me, and placed my heart in a sling.

My attacker released his hands.

He stepped back and looked me in the eyes,

almost as if he was giving me approval. 

I realized that without him, I’d have forgotten who I was.

I too, was a color, simply lost in categorization. 

Now, because of him, I’m defined.

I left to confront you; the note tucked away in my pocket.

I could see it on your face.

You knew why I was there.

As you raised your hand to greet me, I noticed the black on the side of your palm.

Poems are where you’ll find my honesty.

I can write fairy tales, but it’s costly.

Can’t say sorry for my raw emotion.

It has its own waves, such a vast ocean.

Now there’s an old you, new me.

I command the room now, so here, have a seat.

Took nearly twenty-seven years for us to meet.

Thank God, I like her, and she likes me.

This nightmare woke me up into all the right things.

Time and time again, I catch you in the act.

I say next to nothing, and you know that’s a fact.

 Now that I’m writing, you’re scared and confused.

Hoping I stay quiet, but I’m sorry, you’re the muse.