This phone hears every beat of my heart,

and I deliberately pause to pay attention…

to hear the percussion of love on the other end.

This dream granted you full visibility.

For once, we shared true transparency.

It was invigorating.

It was powerful.

I hear my own echo.

It’s haunting, and there’s a crew of spirits.

I hear a slow drip.

It’s an attempt at keeping the faucets of my ego from freezing.

I hear white noise.

It’s the only way I can stay sane.

I left the garden, but still viewed it from my window.

The sun rose and fell, over and over again.

The moon provided an eerie silver glow upon the fields.

It appeared as a false shimmering gleam of hope,

of desire; of desperation.

when has become the choice.

when is where, what, and why.

when is the guttural voice,

and when will stay until you die.

I give you permission to be dismissive.

Matter of fact, I’ll be entirely submissive.

Offer no opinions,

just reassurance that you’re right!

My hands are tied behind my back.

I’ll no longer throw a fight.

And when I’m at my lowest,

sinking down beneath the floor,

I ask God to come and save me,

but he gives me something more.

Let me tell you about the sad life of a sad addict.

She still seeks it, even when she has it.

And when she’s had it, she wishes that she hadn’t.

But when the sun rises, she’s right back at it.

Can I bottle up this stress?

Place it in a bottle and seal it tight?

Can I drop it into the depths of the ocean

and have it gone overnight?

Unload my burdens and my heartache,

and watch as we part ways?

I’m in need of some vacancy.

My mind has been too full lately.

My trauma hasn’t paid a dime.

He’s committing theft, amongst other crimes.

I’ve been my own wolf in this fairy tale.

I knocked every house down.

I pointed fingers and forgot my own.

Think smarter not harder, they say.

Well, I cut far too many corners that way.

Why do you come back to me?

There’s a clear lack of consistency.

I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt…

just to get caught in the drought.

Here I am, always waiting for the rain…

knowing I have it all to lose, and nothing to gain.

Missing you is never easy.

Wishing now that you’d free me…

I’m sorry for the way you forgot your worth.

I’m sorry for all the pain I wouldn’t cure.

I’m sorry I always told you “it could be worse.”

And I’m sorry that you’ll never say these words.

Know me? You know “of” not the “because.”

And that right there was the death of us.

See you soon? No, see you never.

You dumbed me down, surprise bitch, I’m clever.

Here I am remembering Marley, as I channel my inner Swift.

No woman, no cry, as I continue to write down my relationship bullshit. 

Penny for your thoughts, but a dollar for mine. 

Yes, it’s your loss. Better luck next time. 

Men came my way, and yet, I turned them all away.

It seemed you’d had as many empty conversations as I had.

There we were, both drowning in bottles of false flattery.

The more I saw you, the more I saw my reflection.

Every mistake, every trauma, every imperfection.

I became nervous and afraid,

with no one but myself to blame.

If I had to name your colors,

I’d go with sage, navy, and maroon.

Peaceful, moving, and loving,

Exactly how I’d describe you.

Lust or love? I’m asking you this.

You can be honest with me, I will not shy away.

I think I deserve to know,

but I’m afraid you will tell me another lie.

I’ve been told I’m hot, just to fuck.

I’ve been told I’m needed, just to be turned away.

Either way you manipulate the words, it’s saddening.

Now, I’m broken.

He had just left me; broke my heart amongst other things.
Vulnerable and a fool, I thought I’d lost my king.
Then came a knight, armed for battle; his sword took a swing.
He vowed to protect me, and placed my heart in a sling.